To All Of My Conservative Friends And Family….We Need To Talk

2015-10-15_1-00-13To all of my Conservative friends and family on the right…

Today, I’d like to talk to you about some of our shared interests and appeal to your American common sense, if I may. Look, I get that you don’t like Hillary just like you don’t like the black man in the White House. I understand really. I mean, I didn’t like the worthless cowboy in there before him… or his puppet master, trigger-happy, mega-asshole side-kick VP either… so I can really sympathize with how you must feel right now. (Wait, was that a little too harsh? Sorry, friends, I meant to call him “dick”) Anyway, you get my point. You don’t like the Hillary or the “Kenyan,” I didn’t like the cowboy. But we both love our country. Agreed?

Part of the beauty of this country is that we vote in our leaders. Does it suck when our team loses? Of course! But just like when we teach our children to be good sports and not to cry when they lose at baseball, we too sometimes have to suck it up.

For all of my friends who are so mad about Obamacare, I hear you. You are really mad. You believe that allowing millions of poor, uninsured Americans access to health care is equivalent to the fall of mankind. One of your favorite 2016 Presidential candidates has said that Obamacare is literally worse than slavery. I get it. You absolutely hate the idea.

And again, I can totally sympathize. For me, I hate war. So when your guy decided to take us into a bogus war in Iraq, I was really pissed too. And just like you, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it because we live in a civilized nation ruled by laws. So, I too had to just suck it up. Of course, what I had to swallow was a whole lot of people dying, and what you have swallow are lives being saved, but whatevs.

Here’s the thing my righty friends, at the end of the day I still believe that there are far more things that unite us than divide us. Maybe I am just an optimistic bleeding heart liberal, but I really do believe in the basic human goodness in all of us. Yes, even in you righties.

So now that we are in full swing of the 2016 election cycle, here’s a couple of my suggestions to bridge a few of our divisive gaps with things that perhaps we can agree upon. First, how about you guys quit talking about women’s bodies and birth control. Seriously, what’s up with that?! I mean, if you’d jump on the birth control band wagon you’d immediately cut down the abortion rate. And I know you’d love that! Plus, people would have more sex, which would put the entire country into a much better mood. See? I’m a born problem solver.

OK, now can we talk about what the hell your problem is with the gays?? Come on, really. It’s not contagious. You won’t accidentally fall into the gay. And gay marriage has absolutely no bearing on your own marriage.

Listen up my ultra conservative friends, if the gays freak you out that much, here’s my advice: why not just ignore it like you do everything else that exists in the real world that you’d rather pretend away? You’ve become quite adept at overlooking climate change for example….or the way you skip right past my political Facebook posts as if they never existed. Well, just treat this in the same manner. If you happen to see someone you even suspect might be homosexual, quickly look the other way. If you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. Problem solved.

Now, speaking of climate change. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start quoting all of the proven scientific facts that 99% of all scientists agree with or anything, so don’t panic or get all defensive. You have every right to believe in whatever alternate reality you choose and, as your friend, I applaud you for your imaginative creativity. All I would like to point out here is this, if we could be rational and practical for just a moment maybe we could agree on something. Maybe.

If I’m right about climate change and we clean up our act, we save the planet and humanity in the process. But if we go your route and do nothing, we all die. So all I’m saying here is how about a little compromise on this one? You can go around calling me a hippie-dippie tree-hugger liberal WHILE we clean up our act with the environment, just in case. Why not err on the side of caution on this one?

I mean, if your fantasy-land alternative reality is correct and there’s no such thing as climate change, then what’s the worst thing that could happen here? We get a cleaner planet? And some fresher cleaner air? And plus you get to make fun of all of the silly paranoid hippies. I believe we can call that a win-win.

So see my righty friends, we really can all get along. And you really can read a Liberal article without your heads exploding. Oh, and I almost forgot one last point for my conservative friends…while we’re working on all of this Kumbaya here, how about you chill with all of the hate and try turning your attention more toward what you love instead. And in exchange, we’ll let you keep your beloved guns….

For now.

As you can plainly see you have nothing to worry about. Now, come on righties…let’s dance it out….


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